It’s a Christmas Miracle!

Taking a break from pardoning war criminals and political operatives, President Donald Trump spent Christmas issuing a series of what he deemed “Christmas Miracle Pardons!”

The list includes a who’s who of Christmas villains. The more than two dozen pardons include The Gremlins, Hans Gruber from Die Hard, Mr. Potter from It’s a Wonderful Life, Scott Farkus from A Christmas Story, Burgermeister Meisterburger from Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town, The Grinch but “only for the first half of the movie, not the ending,” Harry and Marv from Home Alone, as well as “that handsome real estate guy from Home…


“When you go ‘0-for-a-century’ it’s time for a change”

The Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future won’t be visiting any miserly millionaires this Christmas Eve. In a somewhat surprising move, the three ghosts have been fired for poor performance.

While the trio gained notoriety for visiting Ebenezer Scrooge and convincing him to be less of an asshole in the 19th century, they have proven less effective in recent years.

A high ranking official speaking on the condition of anonymity clarified the move, “After visiting millions of wealthy old men over nearly a century-and-a-half of Christmas Eves, the trio has only convinced one man to change his behavior. Just…


“Silver Bells? More like Silver Linings”

Among the many holiday traditions altered by the pandemic, elementary schools across the country have canceled their winter concerts this year. While many parents lament the loss, one local father is ecstatic.

“Every year it gets trickier to come up with a new excuse,” said David Palmer, a father of three in suburban Denver. “Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but that doesn’t mean I want to watch 500 parents hold their cellphones in the air to record their kids shout-singing ‘Deck the Halls’ in an auditorium that’s 900 degrees.”

Most parents cherish the memories of seeing their…


The Great Conjunction Proves Costly

Conservatives scored a massive victory at the Battle of Winter Solstice on Monday, edging them closer to victory in the War on Christmas.

The “Great Conjunction” appeared in the night sky on Monday, when Jupiter and Saturn appeared at their closest — only a tenth of a degree apart. The appearance of the so called “Christmas Star” was a massive victory for conservatives at the Battle of Winter Solstice.

The star’s appearance comes on the heels of President Trump saying “Merry Christmas.” …


WASHINGTON — As Congress prepares to vote on the second stimulus bill, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) has vowed to “personally spit” on every American’s check. “It will be the honor of my lifetime,” said McConnell early Monday morning.

One of the sticking points in negotiating the $900 billion dollar “relief” package has been direct payments. While many other countries have provided monthly checks to its citizens, Americans have been surviving for the past nine months on a single $1,200 check and “helpful” advice from Congressman Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) to “get a job.” Millions of Americans face back-due mortgage…


What Exactly Are You Waiting For?

He’s practically begging you to invoke me. (Reuters / Christian Hartmann)

Hi. It’s me, the 25th Amendment. It’s been awhile. You’ve probably heard me bandying about the past couple of years — it’s been a wild ride of incompetence, grift, and fraud — but now it’s time. What’s that little yoda guy in the helmet always saying? “This is the way?”

I know I don’t have the panache of the 1st, the ardent following of the 2nd, or even the mystery of the 7th — I bet you went to go look up the 7th just now — trial by jury FOREVER mother-pluckers!!! I’m not sure what the problem is. Maybe…


Please Stop Making Me Watch You All Day

It’s become pretty popular the last few years to bash me as some kind of Big Brother creeper who watches your kid’s every move. I’ve read all your “think” pieces about how I’m Foucault’s panopticon put into practice, keeping order through the fear of a single set of omnipresent eyes on the kid at all times…blah blah blah, snitches get stitches — we get it.

I mean, you bought an Alexa, but I’m the one spying on you. Right.

Well guess what, Steve? I have been watching you for the past seven years and the only thing I’m certain of…


The Potential Second “Stimulus” Is Just What We Need

Congress is furiously working on a second stimulus package. Well, technically House Democrats already passed several additional relief packages, but this time Republicans are pretending to care…about corporate liability shields…and additional corporate tax cuts. The good news is we might all be getting $600…after nine months of a global pandemic…that’s killed over 300,000 Americans…and put tens of millions out of work…$600…to make it through the next 6 months…or pay bills from the last eight months. $600.

$600.

Maybe.

$600.

If Mitch says it’s okay.

I don’t know about you, but that $600 is going to last me forever! In case…


“I Can’t Do That Again”

Following the contentious first presidential debate between President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden, the presidential debate itself has opted out of future debates.

“Look,” said the debate, “I have a long history. Remember the Lincoln-Douglas debates? Or Richard Nixon’s lip sweat? Or what about the time Ronald Regan made that great joke about his age? I’m even okay with some Ross Perot level weirdness or Al Gore boringness — that’s the stuff I was made for. Not whatever the hell happened last night.”

The first debate was like no other presidential debate in history, with an angry…


Don’t let them brainwash you!!!

Oh, it’s true, even if they say it’s false. In fact, them saying it’s false only proves how true it is!

Life on social media can be tough nowadays. With so much fake news going around and the extreme liberal bias of everything in the world — including the moon — I SEE YOU MOON! — it can be hard to think for yourself.

But I’m no brainwashed liberal sheeple! I’m an independent thinker. And to prove it, let me share yet another highly manipulated, false, and manufactured meme from my right-wing bubble.

Matt Fotis

Theatre professor, author, playwright, dad, husband, and other stuff. Comedy, parenthood, and politics. www.mattfotis.com @mattfotis

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